


Angel with a Phaser

by marawinchester (crazygirlattemptswriting)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: I Don't Even Know, I had feelings and I wrote this, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-31
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-07 01:37:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/742658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazygirlattemptswriting/pseuds/marawinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy has believed in a lot of different things during his lifetime, but nothing comes close to his belief in Jim.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Angel with a Phaser

**Author's Note:**

> McCoy swears a lot, just a warning in case that kind of thing bothers you. There's a couple of F-bombs.

In the 23rd century, not many people believe in those old monotheisms that dominated the Earth for centuries before. Leo's grandmother was one who did believe. She used to drag him to church every Sunday morning, rain or shine. He still remembers those old prayers and beliefs she instilled in him.

When he first met his ex-wife, he'd thought there had to be a God, if someone like her existed. “Thank you, Lord,” he'd whisper every night. Hell, she became his religion. He worshiped her like she was a goddess, his own personal savior. But she was only human, and in the end she didn't live up to his image of her. Then again, he didn't measure up to hers, so he supposes they're even.

When they'd first gotten divorced, he'd cursed God. “Are you there, God? It's me, Leonard McCoy. You're a fucking cruel bastard, you know that?” he'd toast before downing another shot.

At the Academy, he decided it didn't really matter. “I don't know if you exist or not, but it's apparent you don't give a damn about me, so I'm not going to waste my time giving a damn about you,” he whispered one morning as he watched the sun rise after a night spent getting drunk with Jim.

From then on, Leo made science his religion. He devoted himself to only believing in facts, in things he could see and verify himself. Earth's sky is blue, and the grass is green. Vulcans have pointy ears, and Orions have green skin. Punching a brick wall fucking hurts.

Jim would tease him about it sometimes. “Jesus, Bones. Do you recite the Hippocratic Oath every night before you go to bed? Do you have to kiss your textbook before you open it?”

“Fuck off, Jim,” Leo muttered. “Don't you have someone else to go bother?”

But apparently Jim didn't. No, Jim did, he just didn't want to. Jim stuck around, always, despite Leo's perpetual grumpiness, despite the tirades Leo gave him while stitching him up after his latest fight, and despite all of Leo's attempts to drive him away. Eventually, Leo got used to it, came to like it.

Loving Jim isn't like loving God (forced down his throat from a young age, until he gagged on it and threw it all back up), or even like loving his wife (sudden, like getting hit by a car, the pain not registering until the adrenaline faded). No, loving Jim is more like getting a tumor. At first, it's small, harmless, and easy to ignore. But it starts growing, more and more, until it can't be ignored and removing it or letting it be is equally painful.

Leo's not an idiot. Once bitten, twice shy and all that. Jim isn't a god, and that's a good thing. James T. Kirk is recklessness, intelligence, stupidity, bravery, childishness, maturity, love, and poison all mixed up in one hyperactive body. He's an imperfect hero and a perfect asshole. He is definitely not a god.

Jim might be an angel, though. One of those fallen ones that gave up an eternity in heaven to wallow in the mud with humans and aliens. He's certainly got the hair of gold and the "anything is possible if you believe" attitude going on. And he loves people unconditionally, especially his crew.

But then again, Leo's the doctor who fixes up Jim's ass on every day of the week ending in y. Leo's the one with the patience of a goddamn saint. Maybe Leo's an angel.

Who knows, maybe they're each others' guardian angels. Maybe they're soulmates. Or maybe they're just two guys trying to make a relationship work in a world where love is rare.

Leo doesn't know. Most days, he doesn't really care. What he does know is that Jim is his exception, in more ways than one.

Leo doesn't pray much anymore. When he does, it's always for Jim. _God, don't let me lose him, not today._ Or, _c'mon hypospray, do your fucking job don't let me down. ___

Leo doesn't believe in much, but he'll believe in James T. Kirk. Jim isn't perfect, like God, and he isn't rational, like science, but in Leo's experience Jim has defied them both and will do it again.


End file.
